Extramarital Affairs: What everybody Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help

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Recent statistics advise that 40% of women (and that amount is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or other complicated in marital infidelity.

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That may seem like a very steep number. Any way after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that amount is off the charts. I worked with a great amount of people complicated in infidelity who were never discovered.

The possibility that person close to you is or soon will be complicated in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is very high.

Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will consideration changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is.

It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.

It might be prominent to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your association with the person.

It is prominent to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.

Out of my study and sense with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.

Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual blurring or trauma.

Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become complicated in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."

An extramarital affair might be for revenge whether because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.

Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging inquire of being "Ok" may lead to commonly a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.

The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs inquire different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some inquire toughness and movement. Others inquire patience and understanding.

The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is commonly profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 - 4 years to "work through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't advise "marriage" counseling, at least initially.

The devastating emotional impact results from a consolidate fine dynamics. Trust is shattered - of one's quality to notice the truth. The most prominent step is Not to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. other is the power that a inexpressive plays in relationships. The inexpressive exacts an emotional and sometimes bodily toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

How can you help?

Those in the midst of their affair emergency told me they need this from you:

1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.

2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not forever.

3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am Ok. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.

4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may need that limited jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.

5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and outpatient as I exertion to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.

6. I want person to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.

7. When they pop into your mind, advise books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.

8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it Is going.

9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.

10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.

Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They influence family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an occasion - to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that generate honor, joy and true intimacy.

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